"You are all I need when I'm surrounded,
You are all I need if I'm by myself."
These lyrics have been playing in my head for over a week now. Agghhhhh.
I am an ENFJ, according to the Myers-Briggs personality test, and I certainly am fulfilled when I'm surrounded. But I'm not so good--ok, really bad--at being fulfilled when I'm by myself. It's funny how God is pushing me in all aspects of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I will soon learn all there is to know about myself.
Yeeaahh, right, He says with a smile.
Ha, so as of lately, I'm constantly being put in situations where I just have to be by myself. I plan things, they fall through. I plan things, and soon realize I have 100 pages of reading, a paper to write, an exam to study for, and am running on 4 hours of sleep. I plan things, the world is blanketed in white death. It's so easy to get discouraged in this solitude I'm being forced into, but I come to a halt in my tracks when I remember that I ASKED God to reveal my weaknesses. Oh, what short-term memories we (ok, I) have.
Being an extravert, I am re-energized in community. The past few weeks I have felt so strong and encouraged and full.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 1That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10)
Without my source of energy I am tired, exhausted, weak. I am being challenged, which is a delight in itself, but why must it be so tiring? I am not worried though, (and neither should you!), because joy is still here.
Winter doesn't last forever :)
February 9, 2010
February 6, 2010
February 2, 2010
January 30, 2010
January 28, 2010
I want.
I want to give more of myself. I want more of the Lord. I want more of Your presence. I want to be selfish with our time! I want lots of things and along the way I'm learning to check the motives of my heart. I am in a romance being swept off my feet! I feel like one of those people I never thought I wanted to be... I'm glad to know I'm still human and have no idea what I'm doing sometimes. I make myself giggle from time to time.
But. Well, I don't really have a "but." I mean...you know.
I AM excited for right now; today; in an hour; in 12 hours. I feel like lately I've been rendered speechless. I am in awe in His presence and I always felt like I had to have something to say, but here's where I'm learning to learn. To be quiet and still. To let someone else do the leading. I'm excited not know where I'm headed in six months. I'm actually excited to be blind and to continue learning how to reach out and submit. I'm excited to follow where He takes me...if that means being halfway around the world, HECK YEAH, I'm there. (I know, one would REALLY have to twist my arm to get me to travel...) If it's here in Cincinnati, I'm already here and loving it. If it's both, all the better. You've already filled the desires of my heart, I just need to find them. And I would say You're a pretty good guide.
Crazy? Yes, please.
January 8, 2010
I got a feeling.
That this year is going to be revolutionary. Not just in my own life and heart, but in the hearts around me and the heart of this city.
I have been chosen to be part of a movement! My spirit has been stirred and I'm learning to recognize it's voice among the noise of everything else. I am being pushed and challenged and it's weird and...challenging. BUT! It's what I asked for and how can I deny that I am loved and heard when I've been put in a place of discomfort?
I'm more than excited; I'm at peace.
Right now I am dirty and hungry, so... I think I want to do something about it.
February 26, 2008
February 20, 2008
I would have used a pencil but lead's just not permanent.
It's snowing outside. A lot. And it's great.
As Catherine put it, "It's like someone took a snowglobe and just shook it up, and we're in the middle of it." That most definitely describes it.
I'm sitting in Panera on my laptop, by the window. I'm surrounded by people, but in my own world via iTunes. There's something about seeing the outside world in [almost] complete chaos, but being in the shelter only separated by glass. For whatever reason, it's bringing me an overwhelming sense of peace; which is what I need. I feel, right now, like my world is a snowglobe, and someone is just shaking it, and I'm stuck in the midst, with the only thing stopping me being a layer of glass.
But at the same time, I feel like my reality is almost the opposite. I have a serene exterior but on the inside, things are being shaken and stirred and I haven't found a way to connect the inside and the outside in a way that they can be in synchronization. It's a very exhausting thing to feel shaken but not know how to put it at peace.
So far, this [academic] year, spiritual warfare has become increasingly real to me. I'm almost reaching a point where I'm unable to discern between what God is telling me and the lack of motivation which Satan is grabbing a hold. He really knows my weaknesses and seems to know the right way to tug at that; he punctures his grasp through our minds and on to our hearts in the disguise of doubt. Though the Spirit LIVES in me, I'm not being the body that God calls me to be.
And it's showing.
I'm listening to Fionn Regan, and I love him. He is one of the select artists that I listen to and he separates my worlds. When I am consumed by the music, I'm in that world; I hear it and my mind's eye sees it. And while my ears and my mind are in one place, my eyes see the rest of the world around me. Once again, separated by a sheet of glass, or rather, sound. It's like driving in a car. We sit, seemingly stationary, while we are speeding past the rest of the world in a blur. Again, only separated by a sheet of glass and encased by metal.
It's getting cold by the window.
As Catherine put it, "It's like someone took a snowglobe and just shook it up, and we're in the middle of it." That most definitely describes it.
I'm sitting in Panera on my laptop, by the window. I'm surrounded by people, but in my own world via iTunes. There's something about seeing the outside world in [almost] complete chaos, but being in the shelter only separated by glass. For whatever reason, it's bringing me an overwhelming sense of peace; which is what I need. I feel, right now, like my world is a snowglobe, and someone is just shaking it, and I'm stuck in the midst, with the only thing stopping me being a layer of glass.
But at the same time, I feel like my reality is almost the opposite. I have a serene exterior but on the inside, things are being shaken and stirred and I haven't found a way to connect the inside and the outside in a way that they can be in synchronization. It's a very exhausting thing to feel shaken but not know how to put it at peace.
So far, this [academic] year, spiritual warfare has become increasingly real to me. I'm almost reaching a point where I'm unable to discern between what God is telling me and the lack of motivation which Satan is grabbing a hold. He really knows my weaknesses and seems to know the right way to tug at that; he punctures his grasp through our minds and on to our hearts in the disguise of doubt. Though the Spirit LIVES in me, I'm not being the body that God calls me to be.
And it's showing.
I'm listening to Fionn Regan, and I love him. He is one of the select artists that I listen to and he separates my worlds. When I am consumed by the music, I'm in that world; I hear it and my mind's eye sees it. And while my ears and my mind are in one place, my eyes see the rest of the world around me. Once again, separated by a sheet of glass, or rather, sound. It's like driving in a car. We sit, seemingly stationary, while we are speeding past the rest of the world in a blur. Again, only separated by a sheet of glass and encased by metal.
It's getting cold by the window.
February 15, 2008
February 8, 2008
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